Seven Secrets
by SmurfLuvsCookies
Summary: Makarov is bored, and thus devises a plan to amuse himself: trick everyone in Fairy Tail into spilling their seven deepest, darkest secrets. What scarring confessions will await him, and what will he do when his children find out they've been tricked?
1. The Beginnings of Boredom

**Hi there! This is just a little something I came up with, so I figured I'd share it with you so you can enjoy it. I've always wondered what Master Makarov does in his spare time...and thus, a story was borne. Don't ask me why I chose the number seven. I just thought it sounded good with the word "secrets". It doesn't have anything to do with the whole 777-dragon-disappearing-and-Lucy's-mom-dying thing. I just like the number seven.**

****Ultimate Disclaimer of Doom: I don't own Fairy Tail. Mashima Hiro does.**

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><p>SEVEN SECRETS: The Beginnings of Boredom<p>

Makarov watched his beloved guild wrestle and rumble and be overall rambunctious. He did this every single day, except on the day when he was forced to go to those meetings, and he had to admit that things were starting to get a bit monotonous. It's not that Fairy Tail wasn't interesting - Fairy Tail is always interesting - it was just that Makarov felt the need to spice things up a bit.

The question was how.

Makarov chuckled when an idea formed in his head. It was sadistic and cruel, and his poor children would probably hate him for it, but it was so irresistibly entertaining that he couldn't help but afflict them with it. They wouldn't have to know it was simply for his amusement. As far as they were concerned, it was a legitimate order.

Arranging his face to look solemn and professional, he leapt onto the banister of the top floor and let his voice boom throughout the room like a speaker system.

"_QUIET!_"

Everyone stopped and looked up at him, inquisitive. He cleared his throat and began, trying to keep a straight face. "Due to top-secret security reasons concerning the new Council, Fairy Tail as been asked to fulfill a request in their favor. It will be a difficult request, and even potentially dangerous, but it needs to be done. Any one who objects will have to talk to me about it."

"WHAT IS IT, GRAMPS? I'M READY!" Natsu roared, flame coming from his mouth.

Makarov grinned and pulled a stack of notecards from his pocket. He threw them into the air and allowed them time to glide to the floor, letting everybody retrieve one before he continued. "For security reasons," he said again, "every single guild member is commanded to write down seven of their deepest, darkest secrets and turn the notecard into me."

The room lapsed into uneasy muttering, everyone flushing or blanching or in some cases even turning green. Makarov immediately sensed that he was going to get a good laugh out of this. Maintaining his official demeanor, he held up a hand. "I know, I know," he said, shaking his head. "It's an odd request. But it must be done, for security reasons. The fate of Fiore may rest on your shoulders. And don't be afraid to put anything on there, and don't censor anything, because none of your notecards are going to be released to the general public. No one but me is going to so much as glance at them. I need them turned in by this afternoon. That's all."

He jumped down from the banister as people separated into groups, fumbling for writing utensils and peaking over shoulders. Mirajane looked at her card nervously, fiddling with the edges. "When was this announced, Master?" she asked.

"Just a while ago."

"I've never heard of anything like it," Mira remarked, frowning at the card.

Makarov shrugged. "Me either. I suppose a new Council _is_ a new Council."

He turned back to his guild, feeling the palpable waves of discomfort rippling in the air. Jet and Droy - and was that Gajeel? - hovered over Levy as she carefully wrote her secrets. Lucy battled Natsu, Gray, and Happy away from her, begging Erza for help. The Titania just stared at the paper with a ghost-pale face. Bisca and Alzack shyly glanced at each other, then back to their notecards. The Raijinshuu and the Take Over siblings avoided each other entirely while they filled their slots.

He nodded as Wendy promptly handed him her card, biting her lip and trying to conceal the vivid blush across her face - not that any of Wendy's secrets were going to be too terribly bad. Unless she was hiding something from Makarov, which was a very difficult thing to do.

He grinned down at the notecard, the name _Wendy Marvell_ written across the front flap in big, careful letters.

_This is going to be fun._


	2. Secrets of the Dragonslayers

SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Dragonslayers

Name:_ Natsu Dragoneel_

1._ I secretly think that Happy would look better as a girl._  
>2. <em>My scarf secretly smells like potato salad.<em>  
>3.<em> I secretly have pink hair. Everywhere.<em>  
>4.<em> I secretly have proof that Lucy wears a water bra.<em>  
>5.<em> I secretly stole one of Lucy's water bras.<em>  
>6.<em> Secretly, I shaved all of Happy's fur and told him that he was dying to see what he'd do.<em>  
>7.<em> I secretly walked onto Lucy in the shower. ONCE. She didn't notice because she had her back turned. She doesn't know. So don't tell her!<em>

Makarov sighed, facepalming. He didn't know what to think of Natsu's confessions. First of all, he should have told the Salamander that he didn't need to include the word "secretly" in every single secret. It was implied that he was secretly telling Makarov; he was writing down his _secrets_! Not to mention his strange fascination with Lucy's boobs - it was disappointing that she wore a water bra, and as to why Natsu would steal it from her underwear drawer, Makarov had no idea, since Natsu was certainly not the type to be perverted with it - also, his idea that Happy would look better as a girl was ludicrous. Makarov did remember the time Happy stormed into the guild once, completely bald, and kicked Gray in the face. It seemed that was what number 6 was referring to. The pink hair thing...was just _too_ much information. And as for why Natsu's scarf smelled like potato salad...Makarov wasn't sure he wanted to know.

He moved on to the next card.

Name: _Wendy Marvell_

1. _I have a little crush on Natsu, but I know he likes Lucy_.  
>2. <em>I once went into a lingerie store to see what it was like.<em>  
>3. <em>I find lingerie stores scary<em>.  
>4. <em>I stole candy from a candyshop once.<em>  
>5. <em>I like Reedus, but he has really bad body odor.<em>  
>6. <em>I'm scared of the dark still.<em>  
>7. <em>I'm lactose intolerant<em>.

As Makarov suspected, Wendy's wasn't too terribly juicy. Except for the Natsu thing - how many girls did he have pining over him now? Two? Three? What was it about that boy that made women fawn over him so? And he was completely oblivious to it! Makarov also laughed at the lingerie thing, imagining Wendy's face when she walked in the store. Though she should've been used to it by now, considering what some of the girls of Fairy Tail wore.

_Onto the next card_, he thought.

Name: _Gajeel Redfox_

1. _I think this "seven secrets" thing is a bunch of bullshit._  
>2.<em> I'm only doing it because Fairy Tail is starting to grow on me. A little.<em>  
>3. <em>I used to have a bellybutton ring<em>.  
>4. <em>I think Pantherlily is part bear<em>.  
>5. <em>I collect snowglobes<em>.  
>6. <em>The evil badboy act is really just a ploy to impress the ladies. I'm actually warm and fuzzy inside.<em>  
>7. <em>I think Levy digs it.<em>

Makarov wasn't entirely sure which answers of Gajeel's were true and which were sarcastic, but he was still astounded. Bellybutton rings, snowglobes, warm and fuzzy inside? _Levy_? Gajeel really was something of a mystery. He decided not to even attempt to decipher the strange being that was Gajeel, and set the card aside for later. He looked at his watch and closed up the guild, deciding to save the rest of the cards for a tomorrow. He certainly hoped that they were as, if not more, entertaining than the Dragonslayers'.


	3. Secrets of the Exceed

SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Exceed

Name: _Charle_

1. _I know most of the Fairy Tail members' futures.  
><em>2. _I had fleas once_.  
>3. <em>When I'm alone I sing at the top of my lungs and dance around like a lunatic.<em>  
>4. <em>I'm playing "hard to get" with Happy<em>.  
>5. <em>I like twirling around in my dresses. It makes me feel pretty<em>.  
>6. <em>I'm younger than Wendy<em>.  
>7. <em>I think Master Makarov is kind of creepy<em>.

Makarov snorted. Him? Creepy? Please.

He moved on.

Name: _Happy_

1. _One of my wings are shorter than the other._  
>2. <em>I have dreams about being chased by zombies<em>.  
>3. <em>I have a fear of zombies<em>.  
>4. <em>I'm trying to get Natsu and Lucy together.<br>5. _I'm secretly a sadistic ninja disguised as an adorable blue cat_.  
>6. <em>I prefer a litter box to a toilet.<br>7. _I have a bald spot shaped like a giraffe on my left paw.___

Makarov was convinced that Happy was just screwing with him. The thing about the wings and the zombies and trying to get his comrades together he believed, and perhaps even the litter box thing as true, but a sadistic ninja disguised as an adorable blue cat? A bald spot shaped like a giraffe?

He wasn't that gullible.

Name: _Pantherlily_

1. _I am a cleanfreak.  
>2. <em>I purr in my sleep.<br>3. _I had a thing for Shagotte in Edolas.  
>4. <em>I enjoy Gajeel's hugs.<br>5. _I draw caricatures in my spare time.  
>6. <em>My ultimate goal in life is to shave Gajeel's head.<br>7. _The veterinarian is my only weakness._______

Makarov shook his head. Gajeel's hugs were never something he'd imagine anyone could tolerate; he didn't even believe that Gajeel gave hugs. And he did recall the one time when Pantherlily got a rash and had to go to the vet, and came back wearing one of those plastic cones around his head.

"I'm locking up, Master," Mirajane warned.

"If you wait one minute I'll be out and you can lock everything," Makarov called, stashing the cards away. As he padded out the door, he decided that he must ask Lily for a caricature one day.


	4. Secrets of the Take Over Siblings

SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Take Over Siblings

Name: _Elfman_

1. _I spray on my tan, because I think tans are manly.  
>2. <em>Two women strike fear in the depths of my heart.<br>3. _Those women are Mirajane and Evergreen. And sometimes Lisanna.  
>4. <em>I write poetry in my spare time, even though it's unmanly.<br>5. _I sing to the animals when I'm alone, even though that's also considered unmanly.  
>7. <em>I think I have a beautiful voice<em>._____

Makarov sighed. He didn't bother to point out that while tans were manly, spray-on ones were not. He kind of expected the poetry thing, considering Elfman used to write poetry before Lisanna's "death". He also knew from experience that Elfman most certainly did not have a beautiful voice, and he didn't believe for a minute that any animal would find it so. And if Elfman were smart, all women would strike fear in the depths of his heart.

But then again, he did leave off the number 6.

Name: _Lisanna_

1. _I take Elfman's poems to poetry readings and say they're my own.  
>2. <em>I'm in the sadistic ninja ranks with Happy, only I'm disguised as an adorable white-haired girl.<br>3. _I ran down Strawberry Street naked on a dare once; in the Edolas world, of course.  
>4. <em>Unbeknownst to my older siblings, I had a drinking contest with Cana<em>.  
>5. <em>I lost my secret drinking contest with Cana.<br>6. _Bixlow is superhot. At least I think so.  
>7. <em>I put Elfman's hair in pigtails when he's sleeping<em>._____

Makarov was baffled to say the least. First of all, he hadn't seen Happy and Lisanna converse at all yesterday, so how could they have coordinated their answers? And streaking? _Bixlow_? _BIXLOW_?

Makarov would never understand the minds of women.

He felt almost guilty when he saw the next card. Mirajane was so sweet and innocent, so didn't she at least deserve some privacy? But then again, she was once as rambunctious and rowdy as the rest of the guild, not to mention quite a bit meaner...she ought to have some juicy secrets. Makarov, torn by guilt and yearning, decided that he would read it with only one eye open. There, that should solve it.

Name: _Mirajane_

1. _I water down Cana's drinks when she's too intoxicated to notice, for her sake and the funds of the guild.  
>2. <em>I've used my magic during, um, intercourse before.<br>3. _It's partially my fault that Elfman is so focused on his manliness, because after Lisanna "died" I told him that he needed to buck up and be a man.  
>4. <em>I lip sync on stage sometimes.<br>5. _I still feel a bit of rivalry towards Erza.  
>6. <em>I had a bit of a crush on Laxus when I was younger<em>.  
>7. <em>Now I think I'm falling for Fried.<em>_____

Makarov's one eye widened. He already knew about the thing with Cana's drinks and the lip syncing thing, but Mirajane'spersonal life was astounding. He never noticed that she'd had a crush on Laxus when she was younger, though he supposed that it would have worked out well. They were both two powerful, somewhat delinquent teenagers at the time. The only difference was that Mirajane grew out of rebellious phase. Laxus never did.

Fried and Mirajane did seem a good match. They were both responsible and intelligent, as well as sentimental. Where Mirajane was sweet and carefree, Fried was steady and disciplined. Makarov approved.

He tried to recall what kind of magic Mirajane used, for he hadn't seen it in so long, and when Satan Soul came to mind he threw down the cards and rushed out of the room to stifle his nosebleed.


	5. Secrets of the Raijinshuu

SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Raijinshuu

Name: _Fried_

1. _I was voted "nerdiest" when I went to school_.  
>2. <em>I used <em>Dr. Macgee's Magical Hair Growth Formula_after I cut my hair to show my loyalty to Fairy Tail_.  
>3. <em>Like most of the men of Fairy Tail, I am attracted to Mirajane<em>.  
>4. <em>I go skinny-dipping in Magnolia Lake<em>.  
>5. <em>I pluck my eyebrows<em>.  
>6. <em>I never actually went to a military academy<em>.  
>7. <em>I'm addicted to romance novels<em>.

Makarov bit his arm, trying not to alert Mirajane in the next room by his boisterous laughter. Fried (he thought it was spelled Freed, since it was pronounced that way...he'd have a lot of documents to change later) was certainly an interesting character. He never would have guessed that the leader of the elusive Raijinshuu was a skinny-dipping, eyebrow-plucking, romance-novel-reading nerd.

Trying to catch his breath, he went on to the next card.

Name: _Bixlow_

1. _I play the bag pipes_.  
>2. <em>My shrink says it's therapeutic<em>.  
>3. <em>I'm a chocoholic<em>.  
>4. <em>Evergreen scares the shit out of me<em>.  
>5. <em>So does Lisanna. She's like a freakin' Energizer Bunny; it's not natural<em>.  
>6. <em>But Lisanna's kind of cute, so it's okay.<em>  
>7. <em>I think Fried's a robot<em>.

Makarov shook his head. Bixlow, yet another weird character. He never knew that Bixlow went to a therapist (though he might have secretly suggested it) or that he played bag pipes. Perhaps he should do a show for the guild. And he thought Lisanna was cute! Lisanna was very cute, but Makarov never would have guessed that Bixlow thought so. He never would have guessed that Bixlow thought anybody but his freaky magical dolls were cute.

Next card.

Name: _Evergreen_

1. _I used to be in love with Laxus, but I am so over him now_.  
>2. <em>I think I have a secret fan club at the guild<em>.  
>3. <em>The Raijinshuu are the only people I've ever let befriend me.<em>  
>4. <em>I caught Fried skinny-dipping once. It was rather disturbing<em>.  
>5. <em>If Elfman wasn't such an idiot, he would be so sexy<em>.  
>6. <em>I told Bixlow that he needed to learn to play the bag pipes in order to relieve stress<em>.  
>7. <em>I'm addicted to shojo manga. I get my stash from Fried.<em>

Makarov could only facepalm after reading Evergreen's card. He knew for a fact that she did not have a secret fan club at the guild, and he could only imagine the look on Laxus' face when Evergreen tried to hit on him. And Evergreen was Bixlow's therapist...that was a session Makarov would have paid money to see. It was the blind leading the blind.

As for Elfman and Evergreen...no. It was never going to happen, that was for sure. It was about as likely as Lisanna and Bixlow. The only Raijinshuu/Take Over sibling pairing he could even find believable was Mirajane and Fried. None of the others were ever going to get together.

...Right?


	6. Secrets of the Titania

_**Author's Note**: Sorry about my long absence, I had stuff to do and places to be. But I'm back now, so hip-hip-hooray! A lot of people requested Erza, so I decided to dedicate this chapter to her. Enjoy! :)_

_Also, as a sidenote, I did kind of get the idea for the last secret from **Kahoko-chan**'s story, **Freaking Adorable**. So you should go check it out because it's a good read, and so I don't feel bad about using the idea. :P _

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><p>SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Titania<p>

Due to Natsu's uncanny ability to destroy entire cities at will, Makarov didn't get to enjoy his children's secrets for an entire day. It left him quite peeved with the Salamander, and he was almost giddy as he closed himself in the back room of the guild later that evening, tossing aside the cards he'd already read.

However, when he got to one specific card, he saw with some amazement that there was a long list attached. He read the explanation on the card with wide eyes.

Name: _Erza Scarlet_

_Although it has been specified that we are required by law to document seven (7) of our deepest, darkest secrets on this very notecard, I, Erza Scarlet, the Titania of Fairy Tail, have decided to write every important secret I've ever had; for the safety and well-being of Fiore, the town of Magnolia, and the Fairy Tail guild. Enclosed is a list of twenty (20) secrets._

Makarov giggled with giddiness. He'd been quite curious to know the serious Erza's seven secrets, and now he got twenty! This totally made up for Natsu's destroying the town.

1. _I find the term "ginger" offensive.  
><em>2. _My magical glass eye sometimes itches._  
>3. <em>I store some of my armor in Levy's room, because I know that she'll never notice under all of her books.<em>  
>4. <em>When I first came to Fairy Tail, I tried to seduce Elfman just to get on Mirajane's nerves.<em>  
>5. <em>He ran away crying, which got on her nerves anyway, so I considered it a success.<em>  
>6. <em>I admire Lucy and her flamboyant wardrobe.<em>  
>7. <em>I wish I could wear such revealing things without being uncomfortable.<em>  
>8. <em>Then maybe Jellal would have found it harder to manipulate me.<em>  
>9. <em>I sneak into prison sometimes to see Jellal.<em>  
>10. <em>I have seductress armor<em>.  
>11. <em>I've never used it before, of course!<em>  
>12. <em>...Though I've thought about it.<em>  
>13. <em>I've asked Reedus to paint a portrait of me before, but he refused<em>.  
>14. <em>I asked Pantherlily too, and he also refused<em>.  
>15. <em>When I asked why, they told me to ask Elfman.<em>  
>16. <em>He said that it was because I was scary, and that if I didn't like the portrait I would beat them up<em>.  
>17. <em>Poor Elfman. He's in the hospital because of me.<em>  
>18. <em>I like cake. I steal cake sometimes, even though it's wrong<em>.  
>19. <em>I'm a hopeless romantic. I know it's hard to believe<em>.  
>20. <em>I wish I had 'Lovely Item' so that I'm not so intimidating.<em>

Makarov would never dared call Erza a ginger. And he could probably talk to Porlyuscia about that eye. He also doubted, for as nice as Levy was, that she would mind sharing her space with Erza if she asked. He did remember a time, all those years ago, when Elfman came up to Mirajane crying about Erza. Makarov couldn't imagine Erza seducing anybody, nor could he imagine her in Lucy's clothes or seduction armor. He wondered who she thought about using it on...Jellal, perhaps, when she visited him in prison? He didn't blame Reedus and Lily; he would be scared to draw Erza too, in case she didn't find it acceptable. Erza also didn't seem like the hopeless romantic type...and Makarov thought that Lovely Items were for intimidating _men_, like Gajeel, to pick up women.

Then again...that did put a whole new perspective on Lily...

Makarov knew he didn't have time to read another card, so he packed them away and decided to save the rest for later.


	7. Secrets of the Shadow Gear

SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Shadow Gear

Makarov ducked into the back room again, breathing a sigh of relief. His children were becoming suspicious. Natsu asked him what was going on, why he was going to the back room so often, as did a few others. He couldn't tell them that he was reading their cards, one by one! He was fairly certain he'd told them that they would immediately be given to the Council.

But, no matter. He'd formulated a clever lie and now no one would suspect anything. He hoped, at least. Anyhow, time for the next card!

Name: _Levy McGarden_

1. _I have library books that are five years overdue.  
>2. <em>I sneaked into the library files and erased them from stocks.<br>3. _Trashy romance novels and gory horror books are my favorites.  
>4. <em>I'm also a sucker for romantic poetry, even if it is corny.<br>5. _I sometimes use my cuteness to get what I want.  
>6. <em>One of these days, I'm going to beg Gajeel to teach me how to play guitar.<br>7. _Maybe I can trick him into singing me a song too...hehehe._______

As Makarov suspected, half of Levy's secrets had to do with books or otherwise. But he was not expecting her surprisingly devious plan to get Gajeel to sing to her, nor the evil laugh that accompanied it. Perhaps there was something going on there that he needed to keep a closer eye on...

Name: _Jet_

1. _My real name is Sarusuke_.  
>2. <em>I think Levy likes me best<em>.  
>3. <em>It's my hat. I know it's totally my hat<em>.  
>4. <em>Droy says my hat is stupid, but it's not<em>.  
>5. <em>Levy definitely likes it, and he's just jealous.<br>6. _I read Levy's diary. Once, just once I swear!  
>7. <em>Okay, maybe twice. But that's the most.<em>__

Makarov facepalmed. Jet's fascination with Levy, while cute and adorable, bordered on obsession sometimes. It really was disturbing after reading this. Then again, he doubted that Droy's card would be any better.

Name: _Droy_

1. _Whatever Jet says, Levy likes me best_.  
>2. <em>I know, because I read her diary and she said that she found Jet annoying sometimes.<br>3. _She said that about me, too, but it was an afterthought.  
>4. <em>An afterthought, I say!<br>5. _I go through a jar of hair gel a day.  
>6. <em>My hair does not look like a fishtail, no matter what Jet and Gajeel say.<br>7. _It's the stem of a plant. It is.______

Yes. Droy's hair did kind of look like a fishtail. It must be expensive...a jar of hair gel a day...Makarov couldn't even imagine getting all that gel out...and he found it quite shameful that both of them had read Levy's diary. She really must hide it better.

He wondered if he should invest in a hat...or hair gel...

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><p>SEVEN SECRETS: Omake<p>

Mira watched as Master Makarov once again ducked into the back room and locked the door. She frowned and turned to Erza, who was eating cake. "What do you think he's doing in there?" she asked.

"I don't know," Erza replied. "Maybe something for the Council?"

"I don't think so..." Mira said. Her face went pale. "Do you think it has something to do with the cards we gave him?"

Erza dropped her fork. "I certainly hope not. I thought he told us he already mailed those to the Council?"

"Yes, I think he did say that..."

"You don't think - "

"No, it couldn't be - "

"Master wouldn't lie - "

"Oh no, never - "

"What're you guys going on about?" Natsu asked, flopping down on the stool next to Erza. She narrowed her eyes and positioned her arm between him and her cake, recalling the many times that her delectable desert had ended up on the ground with him seated next to her. Natsu took no notice.

"Master," Mira sighed, "he's been acting strangely, don't you think? Going into that back room so often?"

Natsu waved her off. "Don't worry, I already asked him about that."

"Really? What did he say?"

"He said he's practicing his bag pipes, that's all."

Mira and Erza glanced at each other, not convinced this was the truth one bit.


	8. Secrets of the Stars

SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Stars

As Makarov edged his way to the back room to read more cards, something (or rather, someone) caught his eye. Sitting on a table, flirting with Lucy and goofing off with Gray, was Loke in his Celestial Spirit suit and tie. Makarov grinned from ear-to-ear, imagining what juicy secrets Loke might have to offer.

"Loke, did I tell you about the seven secrets thing?" he asked, holding up a notecard. Loke shook his head, perplexed. Containing his smile, Makarov continued. "Well, you see, the Council has ordered every member of Fairy Tail to write down their seven deepest, darkest secrets on this notecard - for the safety of Fiore. And, since you have the mark and are still technically part of Fairy Tail, it means that you're required to do it too. Better hurry though, because I already sent all the other cards to the Council."

He handed the card to Loke and waited while the Celestial Spirit filled it out, folded it, then handed it back to him with a perfectly normal demeanor, as if he had just passed up a survey. Makarov narrowed his eyes suspiciously but knew better than to say anything about his abnormally calm behavior.

Chuckling, he ducked into the back room and looked at the card Loki gave him.

Name: _Loke (a.k.a Leo the Lion)_

1. _My sunglasses are x-ray vision glasses_.  
>2. <em>That's why I wear them all the time<em>.  
>3. <em>Wink. Wink<em>.  
>4. <em>Also, I'm park of the Mafia<em>.  
>5. <em>I love Egyptian cotton.<br>6. _I'm a flaming homosexual in disguise.  
>7. <em>And believe it or not, Makarov, I'm not stupid. This is all a load of bull. I thought I'd give you a laugh. So ha ha.<em>__

_(P.S. You know you wish the first one was true, eh? Hehe.)_

Makarov gritted his teeth as he read Loke's card. Damn Loke.

He threw that card aside and got out the next, which just happened to be...

Name: _Lucy Heartphilia_

1. _I have a fear of goldfish.  
><em>2_. _They're scary! They are!  
><em>_3__. _I kind of have a crush on Natsu.  
><em>__4___. _...I think? Oh, I don't know!  
><em>___5_____. Plue is my favorite Spirit (we're not really supposed to have favorites).  
><em>____6_____. _I wear a water bra.  
><em>_____7______. _It's good for my sex appeal._______

Ah, Makarov thought, Lucy and her sex appeal... Goldfish? What was so scary about goldfish? Imagine, if Happy heard of such a thing! Makarov snickered just thinking about it. And of course Lucy had a crush on Natsu! What hot girl in the guild didn't! Makarov remembered when he was the center of all the girls' attention...yup, those were the days...

Makarov spent the rest of the afternoon reminiscing in the old times, coming up with reasons why goldfish were scary, and wondering if Loke really was a flaming homosexual in disguise.


	9. Secrets of Water and Ice

SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of Water and Ice

"What do you think he's doing in there?"

"I don't know, shut up so I can listen."

"Don't tell me to shup up, droopy-eyes!"

"Natsu, quiet!"

"Okay, Erza..."

Gray pressed his ear to the crack of the door to the back room of the guild, listening intently. Makarov had been in and out of there all week; something was up. But he couldn't hear anything, and Natsu was not making it any easier. He sighed and gave up.

"I there's nothing but some kind of...chuckling noise," Gray grumbled.

"Guys, it's really none of our business..." Lucy pointed out, biting her lip. "We should just leave us alone. What Master does in his spare time is no concern to us."

"It is if it involves our secrets!"

"He said that he sent them to the Council already," Lucy sighed. Then she grinned. "Are your secrets really that bad?"

Erza, Natsu, and Gray all went very pale. They resumed trying to listen to Master Makarov in the back room without another word.

Name: _Gray Fullbuster_

1. _I dressed up as a mermaid for Halloween once_.  
>2. <em>...When I was fourteen<em>.  
>3. <em>I strike poses in the mirror every morning<em>.  
>4. <em>My dream is to be the leader of a conga line<em>.  
>5. <em>I used to study palmistry before I became a mage<em>.  
>6. <em>I wish I had a British accent<em>.  
>7. <em>I want to run across the beach in slow-mo one day<em>.

Makarov was biting his hand, tears streaming down his face. He couldn't laugh too loud; some of the guild were listening outside his door. Team Natsu, by the sound of it.

Gray's secrets were hilarious! Mermaid outfits, mirror poses, conga lines, palmistry, British accents, slow motion; he chortled again, his chest heaving with gasps. Gray always seemed so...cool. He fell into a new fit of giggles. He would never be able to think of Gray as cool again.

Of course, the next card he had to read was Juvia's; she'd insisted that he put her and Gray's card together.

Name: _Juvia Lockster_

1. _Juvia writes lurid romance novels under the name "Silvia Blockster."_  
>2. <em>None of them have been published yet<em>.  
>3. <em>Juvia's number one goal in life is to get Gray-sama to marry her!<em>  
>4. <em>Juvia watches Gray-sama in his sleep.<em>  
>5. <em>Gray-sama drools! It's so cute!<em>  
>6. <em>Juvia has a Gray-sama plushie that she made herself.<em>  
>7. <em>It can also be a voo-doo doll, but Juvia would never hurt Gray-sama!<em>

As always, Juvia was rather disturbing. Gray-sama this, Gray-sama that...it was an obsession! Makarov pulled at the collar of his shirt. She...she watched him _sleep_? Should Makarov tell Gray? Then that would reveal he'd read the cards...eh, it wasn't that big of a deal. It wasn't like she was molesting him in his sleep or anything...Makarov frowned. Well, he certainly hoped not.

He stashed the cards away and listened closely to make sure that Team Natsu wasn't still crowded around the door. To his dismay, they were. _Oh well_, he thought, _at least I can make this fun_.

He opened the door and watched them all tumble forward onto his feet.

"What are you all doing?" he asked, acting surprised and abashed.

"Master - I swear - we weren't - " Erza stuttered, her face draining of all color. Finally she stopped trying to explain and bowed down on one knee. "I'm so sorry, Master."

"We were curious what you were doing," Lucy said.

"So we could ask you the same question!" Natsu agreed.

"I was reading my mail," Makarov said defensively.

"Your...mail?" Gray asked.

Makarov nodded. "Yes. I don't want to read it out in the guild hall anymore because I've, um, acquired a lady friend and...well, if anyone but me were to read her letters then there might be some trouble."

"Oh," Erza said, blushing as scarlet as her hair. "Well, we'll be off then - sorry about this again, Master, I'll do something to make up for it - "

"No, no, it's quite alright," Makarov dismissed. "Go on and have some fun."

The four snoopers turned with slumped shoulders all the way to Mira, who already had their orders ready. She rested her elbows on the counter and tilted her head curiously. "What did he say?"

"He's just reading some mail," Gray relayed, stirring his drink around. "He's got some penpal girlfriend or whatever and doesn't want to read her mail in the guild hall."

"That's strange," Mirajane remarked, frowning.

"What is?" Natsu asked.

"Well, Master has all his mail sent to the guild and I haven't checked the mail today," Mirajane said.

Erza, Natsu, Gray, and Lucy gaped at each other, flabbergasted. They'd been bamboozled by the old man yet again.


	10. Secrets of the Snipers

SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Snipers

Finally! Those snooping kids went on a mission! Makarov was so relieved. It seemed that Team Natsu were the only ones suspicious of him, but he couldn't go into the back room without their prying eyes following him. He'd hoped that if he could hold out on reading the cards long enough they would take a mission for their rents and such, and he wouldn't have to worry about them asking too many questions.

He was going through withdrawal. The cards had been a source of entertainment for days now; much longer than he expected, and they were better than he could've ever dreamed. A few days without them had cast him into such an episode of melancholy that he wasn't sure if he was going to survive for much longer. He just hoped that Natsu had chosen the mission, so they'd be gone for a good long time.

Once he saw that Mirajane was preoccupied, he slipped into the back room and dived into his remaining stash of cards.

Name: _Bisca Mulan_

1. _I'm a compulsive buyer when it comes to cowgirl hats.  
>2. <em>And cowgirl boots<em>.  
>3. <em>And guns<em>.  
>4. <em>I have a crush on Alzack, but I haven't mustered up the courage to ask him out yet.<br>5._I used to work in a cake shop.  
>6. <em>I hate sweets<em>.  
>7. <em>Don't tell Erza, I don't want her to be disappointed in me.<em>___

Bisca was the first girl that Makarov ever heard of not liking sweets. And the array of boots, guns, and hats were now explained. As far as that, Bisca's secrets weren't really...secret. Someone who hangs out with her must have a big mouth.

Name: _Alzack Connell_

1. _I have a crush on Bisca, but I don't have the courage to confess.  
>2. <em>I used to work in a pub scamming people out West.<br>3. _I'm on the run from the Western police.  
>4. <em>I'm completely clean now, though.<br>5. _My mother used to call me Zackie-bear.  
>6. <em>She made my cape.<br>7. _My childhood dream was to be a cowboy superhero._______

Makarov grinned, chortling. How Alzack had evolved from a momma's-boy loser to a con artist to a mage in his guild was beyond him.

The door behind him opened and he hastily stuffed Alzack's card back in its secret place and wheeled around to see Mirajane peering curiously in the room. "Master? Are you in here?"

"Yes, Mira, what do you need?" Makarov replied, sweating. He'd forgotten that Mirajane might still be suspicious.

"It's quite cozy in here, isn't it?" she said wistfully, looking around. "Anyway, you got a letter from the Council announcing your meeting for next week. I thought I'd come in and tell you."

"Thanks," Makarov said, ushering her out of the room. "Now let's go."

Little did he know that Mira had already seen all she needed to see.


	11. A Secret Scheme

SEVEN SECRETS: A Secret Scheme

"You guys were right," Mirajane whispered urgently to Team Natsu the next day after they'd gotten back from their mission. "Master is reading the cards for his own amusement in the back room! I caught him!"

"How do you know he wasn't reading a letter?" Erza asked.

Mirajane shook her head. "It was a notecard, I'm sure of it. I saw a whole pile of them that he tried to hide from me." She glanced at Master out of the corner of her eye, looking betrayed. "We trusted him with our deepest, darkest secrets, and he abused his power. _We need to make him pay!_"

The others recoiled slightly from the demonic aura Mirajane was exerting. Lucy cleared her throat. "Don't you think you guys are blowing this out of proportion...just a little bit...?"

"NO!" Everybody snapped simultaneously.

"Just because _you_ don't lead an interesting secret life doesn't mean that _we_ don't, Lucy," Happy added, crossing his arms and giving her an irritated look.

Erza slammed her fist down on the table. "Mira is right! We need to show Master the error of his ways! I say we hang him upside down and pull at his tiny little limbs until he tells the truth!"

"No, we need to get him to admit to us that he lied without torture...we might get in trouble for that," Mira said, tapping her chin thoughtfully. "And we need to make him tell the rest of the guild so there's not some kind of uprising that we won't be able to control."

"How do we do that?" Gray asked.

"I've hatched a bit of a plan," Mirajane said with a sly smile. She stuck her hand out. "But I'm going to need some help."

Natsu grinned and placed his hand on top of her's. "I'm in!"

"Me too," Lucy agreed, placing her hand on the pile.

Gray nodded, adding his hand to the center with a smirk.

"Aye!" Happy cheered, putting his paw in the pile.

"Fine, but if Mira's plan doesn't work then we're using mine," Erza conditioned, putting her gauntlet-clad hand into the middle.

Mirajane smiled. "Then let's get started."

* * *

><p>Name: <em>Cana Alberona<em>

1. _That pet parrot Romeo had? It makes a nice purse.  
><em>2_. _I drink alcohol to mask my inner turmoil and despair. Yes, inner turmoil and despair.  
><em>_3__. _So Fairy Tail should allow me more alcohol. More alcohol for Cana!  
><em>__4. _I like older men.  
>5. <em>Gildarts Clive is my -<em>_

Makarov jumped and hastily stuffed Cana's card into the crate of cards, pushing it out of line of sight from the door. "Y-yes? Mira, is that you?"

"No, Makarov, it is I." Guran Doma, the new Council Head, swept into the room flanked by three other Council members. Makarov froze. What was the new Head of the Council doing here in his guild?

As if reading his mind, Doma snapped his fingers lazily and a toad-like messenger hopped forward and unrolled a scroll. "Makarov, Guild Master of the guild Fairy Tail, you are hereby arrested for the use of the Council's good name for personal gain and entertainment, a crime punishable by law. The severity of your actions warrants two months in prison and a year of probation."

"T-two months of - a year - " Makarov stuttered, aghast. Two other toad-people leapt over and put him in magic-draining handcuffs before he could think of escaping.

"But before we do that," Doma said, halting the toad-men as they escorted him out the door. "I think you should tell your fairies what you've done. What do you think, Marvin, Probelx?"

The two toad-men grinned maliciously and brought him out to the lunch hall, where he could hear the guild members chattering boisterously. He thought he would die of shame when his children all stopped talking to stare at him being dragged upstairs by Marvin and Probelx, Doma and the messanger following suit. The toad-men raised him so he could stand on the railing of the second floor and invited him to speak to his guild.

"Do it, Makarov, or I will double your sentence," Doma ordered.

"Four months in prison might be worth not telling them," Makarov hissed back, casting a nervous glance at his anticipating guild. He shuddered when he imagined what they would do when they discovered his treachery.

"You tell them, or I will."

"Fine," Makarov squeaked, stiffening. The children needed to hear it from him if they were going to hear it at all, that was for sure. He cleared his throat and looked down at them. Who would run the guild while he was in prison...Erza? Mirajane? Could he still run the guild from behind bars? None of this was certain. Suddenly, Makarov wished he had the power to go back in time. He would have never indulged in that stupid prank.

"I have something to say to you all," he began, sweating nervously. "As you can see, I am being arrested. Right now I am looking at two months in prison and a year of probation for abusing the name of the Council."

This sent ripples of conversation through the guild, but it was soon silenced by the unfathomable curiousity all of his children possessed. He sighed, stalling, but continued. "A few days ago, I told you all that you were to write down seven of your deepest, darkest secrets and give them to me because of security issues in the Council. It was a lie. The Council ordered no such thing. I had you write down your secrets for my own personal amusement. I've been reading them in the back room."

There was an outraged roar in the guild. Makarov winced at the palpable waves of fury and horror that emitted from them, something no lone mage could defeat. _I am so dead when I get out of prison._

"I know it was wrong, but I sincerely apologize and ask for your forgiveness, my children. I know I will never deserve it, but I still ask - no _beg_ for it. I'm sorry."

There was a collective gasp from the guild as he said these words. He gave them a look. It's not like him apologizing was quite _that_ big of a deal. Then he heard Mirajane's voice from behind him, where Guran Doma had been standing just moments before. "What do you say? Should we forgive him?" she yelled, casting a wink his way.

Makarov's head swiveled as he assessed the situation. Instead of the toad-men, Natsu and Macao had him hoisted upon the railing; there was no messenger either, that was just a grinning Lisanna. He gaped at all of them, dressed in Council robes, in disbelief. He'd been fooled by his own children!

The guild found this funny, for they were laughing at his dropped jaw and rotating head. He got his act together and blinked at the inevitable mastermind behind this operation: Mirajane. "Why? When did you find out?"

"We've been suspicious for a while," she said. "But I confirmed it while the others were gone, knowing that you wouldn't be so careful without them around. I must say, Master, I'm very disappointed in you. You betrayed our trust in you and used it so you could laugh at us."

"I know, and I really am sorry, Mira," Makarov said sincerely. He looked at the others. "I'm sorry, to all of you. It was a nasty thing for me to do, especially to my own guild. Ha ha, good thing I learned my lesson, right?"

Mirajane gave him a demonic smile and extracted a vial of clear liquid from her pocket. Makarov blanched, suspecting he knew what that was. Judging by the others' evil smiles, he was correct in saying it was some kind of Truth Potion that Mirajane had concocted. She wiggled it in front of his face teasingly, sloshing the contents inside.

"Oh, Master," she said, shaking her head, "you didn't seriously think you'd get off that easy, did you?"


	12. Secrets of the Master

_Last chapter, folks! Thanks for reading and reviewing, and I hope you liked it! __Don't be afraid to check out my other story, _**A Most Powerful Magic**__. Also, keep an eye out for my upcoming Gajeel/Levy story, __**Black and Blue**___, and my upcoming Lisanna/Bixlow story, ___**Lost Souls**____, both of which are a lot less dramatic than their titles suggest__. And, of course, another upcoming Fairy Tail story (which might not be out for a while) ____**Repulse**____. Don't worry, I got big plans for our favorite guild. But until then, sayonara!____

* * *

><p>SEVEN SECRETS: Secrets of the Master<p>

"Ooooookay, everybody, are you ready?" Mirajane's voice boomed out of the microphone. The entirety of the Fairy Tail guild cheered at a ear-splitting volume, beating their drinks on the table in staggered harmony. Mira grinned across the stage where Master was tied to a chair, looking terrified. "As you know, our dear old Master here decided that he would play a mean joke on us," she continued, shooting the quaking Makarov a wink. She gestured to the pile of note cards and nodded at Natsu. "Well, that's all over! He won't get entertainment from our private lives anymore!"

Natsu roared fire at the cards, which were immediately engulfed in flames. The guild cheered with more vehemency, if that was even possible, at the sight of the inferno. Makarov began struggling within the bonds, his eyes filled with tears. His secrets, his beautiful, blackmail-worthy secrets...!

"We've already given Master a bit of a fright," Mirajane said, transforming into Guran Doma (who looked rather odd in a dress) before their very eyes. "But the fun's not over! Erza and I have decided that Master deserves a taste of his own medicine. What do you think?"

The crowd's palpable wave of shouts nearly knocked Mira over. She blinked and shook her head in bafflement, returning to her normal form. She extracted a single note card from her pocket and grinned down at it, shaking with contained chuckles. Makarov went very, very pale.

"Earlier today I gave Master a Truth Potion I whipped up and asked him what his seven most humiliating, most embarrassing secrets were," she said, on the edge of giggles the entire time she was speaking. "Then I wrote them down. Do you want me to read them to you?"

"Yes!"

"I said, Do you guys want me to read them to you?"

"YEEEEEES!"

"Here we go!" Mirajane smiled, looking down at the card. Makarov cried out and tried to slip through his bonds, but they must have been anti-magic. He couldn't transform.

"No, please, Mira! Don't do it!" he cried, tears streaming down his face.

"Name: _Makarov_," Mirajane began, paying no heed to the Master's sobs. The guild fell into an eager hush, curious as to what the Master's secrets would be.

"1. _I stay my short height because I like seeing up girls' skirts."_

There was an outraged cry from all the women of Fairy Tail, whose hands flew to the hems of their dresses. The men either guffawed openly or choked down laughter, depending on the quantity of females in the vicinity. Wakaba even went as far to mumble, "Who doesn't?" and was quickly slapped by Cana.

"2. _I was abducted by aliens."_

The guild shot Makarov a look that clearly said, "Really, Master, really?"

"It's true!" Makarov said. "I was I swear!"

"3. _They took my DNA and made little Makarov-clones - _oh, please, Master! Did I give you enough Truth Potion? Are you just messing with us?"

"It's true! And they're - "

"Let me guess; number 4. _The clones are going to take over the world."_

"Yes! Thank you! Someone believes I'm not a nutcase!"

"Nobody said that," Gajeel muttered, earning a look of disapproval from Levy.

"5. _My secret ambition has always been to study interpretive dance."_

Vijeeter frowned (more than usual) when the entire guild burst into laughter. "There's nothing wrong with that," he snapped, tossing his head.

"6. _I have 29 cats living in my house - _oh, Master, that's just unhealthy."

"Does that make him a crazy cat guy?" Natsu whispered to Lucy.

"You're one to talk," she replied, eying Happy.

Mirajane grinned down at the card. "And finally, number 7 is - "

"No! Please, Mira, skip that one! Please!"

" - _I was once the lead singer in a hair band. My nick name was_" - Mirajane couldn't retain a snort of amusement - "__Chrome Lovehandle__."

The guild shrieked with laughter as Makarov's face went tomato-red. And to make things worse, Mirajane had obviously come prepared to humiliate him into a heart attack, because she had somehow located a picture of him from the hair band days and had blown it up so everyone could see it. The sight of his younger self in the horrific leather costume was enough to reduce Makarov to tears. What had he been thinking back then?

Mirajane stepped back from the microphone and threw his card into the pile of smoldering ashes beside her. She walked over to Makarov and undid his bindings, looking smug. "So, Master, have you learned your lesson?"

"Yes," Makarov said, hanging his head. "I won't ever trick you guys ever again. You win, Mira. Now, if you would be so kind as to take that picture down..."

"Nope," Mirajane said with a devilish grin. "But I can get you a nice strong drink."

"Yes, that'll do," Makarov sighed, taking one last look at his guffawing fairies. "I think I'm going to need it."

* * *

><p><strong>The End!<strong>


End file.
